


Broken By Design

by StormFireGirl



Category: Motorcity
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Disorder, Comfort/Angst, Disability, Escape, Euthanasia, Existential Angst, Existential Crisis, Existentialism, F/M, Facist Society, Far Future, First Meetings, Futuristic society, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, POV First Person, Rating May Change, Secrets, Slow Build, Slow Romance, Slow To Update, Tags May Change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-17
Updated: 2018-04-03
Packaged: 2018-10-06 11:24:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 11,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10333607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormFireGirl/pseuds/StormFireGirl
Summary: When you're an Abnormality in Kane's society, there's a constant threat of death.But if you're able to hide it, you might stand a chance. For awhile.





	1. Chapter 1

I was born different.

 

I always knew it from the get-go, since I was small. I didn't fit into the status quo.

 

And if you don't fit in here, you better fake it until you make it or otherwise you're a goner.

 

That's what I did for the first eighteen years of my life, I faked being normal.

 

Okay I did slip up. A lot. But I was able to hide it well, that I didn't function like the others did. I didn't like socializing, I only liked English Proficiency and I flunked Mathematical Skills numerous times. I read too much and I never played with the kids because they always could tell. I was labeled a control freak, a bossy person and I wasn't liked.

 

But I still managed to hide that I was broken. Others weren't so lucky.

 

The first grades, A-D were easy. I was deemed advanced for my age in Language Proficiency and as such I was upgraded in that sector. I didn't have to worry about math, even if things got harder as the years went by. I stood out more from the crowd. While the other Deluxians made friends easy, I was a Pariah. No one wanted to associate themselves with me because I was too 'quirky'. All of them could tell, just by being around me that something was off. Grade F was when the bullying started.

 

To this day I'm convinced they called it that because, well, what else does 'F' stand for? Failure? Fuck You?

 

If I was a Pariah before, I was immediately outcasted by my peers.

 

And then the rumors began, that I was secretly an 'Abnormality' and that my parents paid off Kane to keep me alive from euthanization. Yes, I said that correctly. That's what happens when you don't fit in, and why you have to hide. If you're a broken piece in a machine like Deluxe... you'd better be useful elsewhere. If you're not still, then you go into a room and no one sees you again. That's the fear we all live in, under constant surveillance on the surface. If you don't fit in then you can't be here.

 

The thought of dying young has terrified me completely since I overheard my mother fearfully whisper to my father, that if I was an Abnormality I'd be euthanized and I'd be killed at seven years old.

 

And because I was labeled an Abnormality is when my mask, however transparent it had initially been, began to slip. Bullying triggered the first cracks in my facade, the public humilation of knocking my data-texts out of my arms, pushing me... the public beating was when the crack became a fissure.

 

In front of everyone was when I was shoved down and kicked. I started screaming for help and in an instant, and I didn't know what I did, but I remember screaming and blood. I'd bitten someone's ankle and tore skin out.

 

I was taken to the Ministry of Welfare shortly thereafter. They tested me, but as soon as the fissure was exposed I managed to seal it shut enough that they couldn't see through well enough. They didn't see how broken I was. I was diagnosed with something luckily treatable; bipolar disorder. It is apparently a permanent disorder but controllable by regular doses of pills. I now could hide behind a new mask, lay blame elsewhere... maybe I wasn't so broken after all.

 

Yet I knew. Even if I tried fooling myself, as I swallowed each dose, I knew the truth. They were wrong. They misdiagnosed me. I didn't know what was wrong, but I knew I was far worse off than any medication could help me.

 

After the storm came the solace. I excelled in my English Proficiency studies, a young prodigy with knowledge of language surpassing my years and a speech/reading level only seen in adults. I was barely at the cusp. Word got around about my skills and before long, my parents were being visited by Kane himself, requesting to see me.

 

He offered me a choice; I could finish my studies and then get a position in one of his departments at Kane Co. later, or I could leave and begin working as the Head of Data Entry and Filing at his company's main now. I was floored to put it bluntly. I was barely sixteen at the time but with encouragement from my parents, I decided to accept. I was pulled out of Educating Systems and brought to Kane Co. within two days.

 

And that's where I saw him for the first time. I stood before a small group gathered of other heads of other departments who were geniuses in their own right. All were in their thirties except for a few Cadets present, and another guy who seemed to be towards the back. "I am pleased to welcome our youngest Head of the Editorial Department, Ms. Nicole Bekket!" Kane himself announced to those gathered, holding fancy glasses with the standard liquid consumable inside.

 

His hand went to my shoulder and I flinched instinctively, feeling extremely uncomfortable when it was there. Every nerve in my body felt alighted with pain, and I swore I gagged. His head swiveled down to mine and I panicked. "Sorry, it's sensitive right there." I apologized, hoping I hadn't done anything wrong.

 

To my relief, he smiled. "Understandable. My late wife was the same." He removed it and my shoulders sagged, still feeling ill but at least the hand was gone. I must have made a comical expression because he chuckled. "Cadet Chilton, present Ms. Bekket with her Badge and ID."

 

My head turned as a Cadet stepped forward and, yes indeed, I swooned. Growing up I'd always see the Cadets doing drills near our home, running miles in their gear. They'd always looked heroic and stunning to me. And this guy, Mike, was no exception. Dark eyes and skin, a sharp angular nose and a confident grin that seemed etched into his face. Like the other Cadets, he was tall (much more than me) and muscular but wore his collar turned up instead of down. He saluted once and turned to face me.

 

Our eyes met, through my vision-enhancing eyewear and my heart skipped a few beats. I was crushing and I was crushing hard. He raised his hand and gently took a bit of my button-up blue blouse with the white Kane Co. logo, pinning it just above my heart. He then handed me an ID card and stepped back, saluting to Kane.

 

"At ease Cadet." The older man said firmly but gently. It was hard to remember that this man- if he ever knew the truth about me could with just a few words send me to The Back Room. And I'd be dead. "Welcome to Kane Co., Ms. Bekket. I am honored to have you here."

 

"I-I am honored to be here, sir!" I blurted out awkwardly.

 

He laughed and the room applauded, and I awkwardly shuffled my feet- Stop. No. Bad. You'll be found out.

 

I forced myself to stop and stepped forward, the room dispersing and chattering amongst themselves, and I too joined in the conversation. It wasn't too noisy, the attention was on me and every adult I spoke with complimented my language efficiency and my maturity. I belonged here. I knew I did.

 

I couldn't help but catch the eye of the only person not mingling, standing near a corner and seemed to be waiting for something, or someone. I didn't know which. He seemed... on edge though. His eyes darted back and forth and he awkwardly sipped at the liquid.

 

"Hi." I turned around and I almost crashed into-

 

"Oh. Hi." It was the Cadet from before, something that started with 'M'?

 

"I just wanted to say congrats on making it in here." He cleared his throat. "I'm Mike, by the way."

 

Right. "Nicole, as you may already know." I stuck out my hand and he shook it- my Deluxe what a grip! "It's very nice to meet you Cadet!"

 

"Please, Mike is fine." He smiled and pulled his hand away. "So, secretarial work? Lucky for you it's a lot less stressful than it sounds."

 

"I wasn't worried." I lied. "But it's good to be reassured by a man of your standing of course." And he laughed at me! Instantly I felt awkward and humiliated.

 

"Yeah, well I think we're the same age so I'm not much of a man yet."

 

"I-I see." I stammered out, awkwardly looking away. I already felt ready to cry. But, then I noticed the blonde making gestures with his head. What was that about-?

 

"Hey uh, since I'm sort-of Kane's favorite, I'll be coming to his office a lot. So," he said to me with a kind smile that made me swoon, "I'll be seeing you around a lot more in the future hopefully!"

 

"Hopefully..." I agreed.

 

"You'll have to excuse me. I have an old friend to talk to. Have a nice night, Nicole!" And with that, he walked over to the blonde, cast a glance to Kane (who was busy talking to a few other people) and left with him.

 

I just shrugged it off and sipped the tasteless liquid. Maybe it was nothing...


	2. Chapter 2

I was exhausted.

 

I know that it only had been about two months since my arrival and beginning the job, but suddenly I wished that I had rejected Kane's offer and stayed at home. I lived at Kane Co., and while my job was easy I was situated in an area where an error in my work could be met with termination. 

 

It has its upsides, however, and I'm pleased with them nonetheless. One of them, of course, is-

 

"Here are your reports Ms. Bekket."

 

Well I'm a sucker for the hot Cadets being tasked with delivering their status and result reports to be checked over by myself. Best part is, I normally only see one. "Thank you, Mike. Come back in a few hours and I'll have these ready for you." 

 

I had to force out every word to make sure I didn't accidentally slur something. I noticed that when I was tired my speech would automatically alter and become... off. 

 

"Sure thing." That same old grin and off he went. I was still not used to the way he sent my heart aflutter and warmth to go through my entire body. I turned back to the reports and began to go through them for the typical stuff; errors in grammar, spelling, etcetera. Because of my job status, I also have the ability to access old records in case something looks off. I don't ever have to do that though. The Cadets always log anything they do, and quite frankly Kane Co. seems to have made certain that punctuality is key when recording mission statements.

 

I finished those quite shortly, and having nothing else to do decided to continue to read through the logs of previous workers. It was stalkerish I know, but I had access and really what was the harm? It was fun to learn through the written word about others. It saved me from showing my cracks in the facade I try to maintain. 

 

As I scanned through the reports on this particular day however, I began to notice something concerning one young man, 'Charles'. His last name was obscured (an orphan, poor thing) but what caught my attention was a recent report done by him about a medical appointment. I knew it was none of my business, but seeing his face, the young man from my ceremony made me pause. I usually can't tell much but there was just something about him...

 

I decided to look into it and I paused at a whole long list of symptoms, and I gulped audibly.

 

Charles was an Abnormality. 

 

'Generalized Anxiety Disorder', 'Method of Treatment: Alprazolam, Clonazepam', 'Subject is Not Improving', 'Possible Abstraction', 

 

And then my heart almost stopped when I read the line,

 

'If subject does not improve it is advised he be taken to The Curing Room'. 

 

The Curing Room was where they would take you if you were an Abnormality that couldn't be fixed or wasn't useful. That's where they 'cured' you, by taking you out of society.

 

Permanently. 

 

I got sick and exited from the report, and after taking my own Zyprexa began to dig through other reports as I hit my shaky, un-breathable high. 

 

Others like him were documented in the same manner, but Charles was the only one so far to not have been moved to The Curing Room, like me. We served a purpose still. But for how long? 

 

My hands shook as I closed the reports and pulled up my work again, checking for new assignments. I needed to calm down, to do something to occupy my-

 

"Are you okay?"

 

I looked up at Mike, and fought the urge to vomit. "Uh, y-yes! Yes! Just a little tired. I should go take my mandatory exercise time soon." My voice sounded wrong. High pitched, childlike. Stop that. Stop. STOP!

 

A frown painted his face and my breathing became even more labored and my face drained of color. I couldn't read him. I couldn't read what he was thinking about me. I was so scared...

 

"Please." I blurted out before I could stop myself. "Please don't tell Kane!"

 

"That what-? Oh." His eyes landed on my pill bottle. "It's okay. That stuff's pretty brutal, so I've heard." He grabbed it and held it up and his eyes widened. "How much of this did you take-?"

 

"I have to go. It's time for my exercise. Please, excuse me!" I blurted out, standing up and almost fell over before my arm was grabbed. "DON'T TOUCH ME!" 

 

My scream didn't register for a moment until I saw that everyone was staring at us and I'd ripped my arm from his grasp. "S-sorry. I'm, so sorry Cadet Chilton! I waited too long between doses. I-I'm just having a small episode. That's all. I'm not broken." 

 

His smile brought some semblance of relief to my frayed nerves. "It's okay Nicole. Hey it happens to the best of us. Here, just go and get some rest. I'll vouch for you." 

 

"Thank you. Thank you so, so, so much." I murmured in relief and almost hugged him. Almost. 

 

I hurried back to my quarters, and still riding the drug's effects I tiredly collapsed, squirming and kicking, anything to get the strange buzzing sensation out of me. It hurt. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to die.

 

I don't know when I passed out, but when I woke up it was very late at night. I laid wide awake in bed, staring up at the ceiling. It was gone, the sensation in my body. But my, less than ideal reaction would garner questions. Probes. Background checks. "I took too much." I mouthed over and over. "I accidentally took an extra pill. It will not happen again." I rehearsed. "I waited too long, panicked, took one too many. I errored. It will not happen again."

 

But I knew I was lying. To myself, to Mike, to the rest of Deluxe. And to Kane, most of all. That was what frightened me the most. Kane was now closer to me than before. He could sniff me out any time. Tears welled up in my eyes and I started to softly cry in fear and agony. A sense of impending doom kept striking me in the chest, like a kick. 

 

Doomed, doomed, doomed. 

Damned, damned, damned.

why, was I like this? Why couldn't I be normal...? 

_____________

 

I met Charles two days later. He had been designated by the IT Dept. to bring a status update on their firewall system. I didn't think. I spoke his name.

 

"Hello Charles." 

 

He nearly jumped out of his skin when I addressed him. "H-how do you know my-?"

 

"We live in a society where all is open, clear and bright. I should know names to some people. I'm Nicole." I interrupted, then realized my social faux pa. "Sorry about interrupting."

 

"Uh, please call me Chuck. Charles is -heh- something I don't prefer to address." Chuck was easy to remember. Chuck. Chuck. Chuck. "So, ah, here are the reports..." he handed them to me. "I'll be on my way now."

 

"Okay. Uhm, Chuck?" I hesitated a little as he paused mid-term. 

 

"Yes...?"

 

I smiled gently. "Don't worry. I'm like you." 

 

I didn't know why I said it to him. To this day I don't understand what impulse overcame me. Maybe it was the feeling of belonging somewhere, with something. Even if it was dangerous to be so. 

 

He nodded once, but still smiled. "Uh, yeah, sure. Bye." And with that Charles- no. Chuck, he left me to my work. 

 

So, I began to go over the reports. Nothing too new. Everything was normal, no breaches, no problems-… huh. 

 

Thats when I noticed an anomaly. I don't know. I can just, spot them. That's why I'm so good at what I do, grammatically I mean. If there's a flaw to a structure, a pattern, I can pick it out. Compared to all of the other reports I'd gotten, something didn't add up. There was a time where a username I knew wasn't supposed to be on. Username was DIT-0106. Time stamp indicated about 11 pm last night. It wasn't 'unauthorized' for IT guys to pull late to all-night shifts if something wasn't working right, I learnt that by looking at the reports. But, the report said everything had been fine for 3 weeks now. Also, personal use wasn't allowed.

 

I scrunched my forehead. DIT-0106. Where had I seen that username before? 

 

My fidgeting with my stylus increased as I pulled up records and input the keyword. It brought up several IT files, and one profile.

 

Chuck's, to be exact. 

 

Uh oh. 


	3. Chapter 3

I didn't know what to do. 

 

I mean, Chuck was like me. An Abnormality (even if I had no idea what I was specifically). I couldn't betray him. If Kane saw opportunity he would pounce. That's how he's been able to keep us here in Deluxe safe from the rebels down below.

 

 

We grew up hearing about Motorcity. I grew up with the rumors of rebels with, 'vee-hick-les' down below, stirring up trouble. They fed off of the scraps of Kane's goodness. There were constant raids, hence the military. You never knew when they'd surface, or if they'd take lives. Not that, we ever dealt with that problem. In the recent two years, Kane and Deluxe had slowly been taking back Motorcity bit by bit. He saw weakness, he pounced, and took it. 

 

 

That's what made him a great leader, but also a great menace to me. He could see weakness. I knew he could. 

 

 

Maybe that's why I approached Chuck. I was worried. I wanted to warn him. I was also curious.

 

 

Lunch break was my free time. The gelatinous cubes could come in any flavor we so desired, I often got vanilla. The blander tastes were much nicer, I couldn't taste the synthesis. IT sat in a certain corner, and normally I'd take my lunch to the faculty lounge, where it was quiet and I could review my work. The sterile, noisy room hurt my ears and eyes. I needed to make this quick.

 

 

"Chuck?" I called out as I approached. The blonde perked up and a few of his colleagues grinned. "Please come with me. We need to discuss the report you have submitted." I repeated my rehearsed lines. But that was as far as I'd planned to go. 

 

 

"Uhhh, s-sure!"

 

 

"Oooh, have fun 'discussing'!" One man with black hair and mustache chuckled. I automatically went blank. How was I supposed to respond again-?

 

 

"C-c'mon." Chuck said, popping in one more cube and stood, leading me out. I stopped in the hallway, about to speak and Chuck stopped. "N-no. Not here. We need to go somewhere else."

 

 

"Why?"

 

 

"It's just not uh... private, here." 

 

 

Private? Really? I looked around. No one was there. But, I shrugged and let him lead me to a storage closet, in which we entered and I turned to face him. "Is this private enough, then?"

 

 

Chuck nodded and inhaled. "I- I don't know what you want from me. But I'll give it to you."

 

 

"... Sorry. What?"

 

 

"Uhh- I'm, sure you'd like something!"

 

 

"... Uhm. No. Not, really?" Okay this wasn't going as I planned. "I'm, really not sure what you mean."

 

 

"I'll do anything, j-just make sure Kane doesn't know I've been using the computers without permission!" He was begging me now, his chest heaving.

 

 

I blinked. "You, honestly think I was going to tell on you?" I asked Chuck incredulously. 

 

 

"It's what anyone else would- would do, and I can pay you! Or- or get you something. Anything you want!" Chuck offered again. He was shaking now.

 

 

I sighed, starting to fidget. "I told you Chuck. I'm like you. I'm an Abnormality."

 

 

He blinked. "W-wait. You? Haha! No, you can't be! You're nothing like me! You're fixable!"

 

 

"I am not!" I disagreed. "I... don't know what, I have. But I've been lying. They think I have bipolar disorder. I don't." I explained as simply as I could. "I just, I guess I can hide better. But after I saw your files I-"

 

 

"Wait you- you spied on me?"

 

 

"No!" I blurted out. "No I- I don't, think it was spying..." I awkwardly admitted, and he inhaled sharply. "I just was looking. I wasn't going to tell, I don't want anything, I just- I just wanted, to warn you!!!" I forced my words out, stomping my foot in the process.

 

 

That seemed to startle him even more. "S-sorry! I'm so sorry!!!"

 

 

"I'm sorry." I apologized softly. "I don't want you to get in trouble. I didn't mean to aggravate you, honest." 

 

 

"Oh... o-okay. I, uhm, so you're going to, edit out the information? Maybe?"

 

 

I hesitated. "I don't know. I don't know what to do. If I get caught I could get into serious trouble but, you will as well. Kane already says if you don't improve they're gonna send you to The Curing Room-"

 

  
"WHAT?!?!" His shriek made me cover my ears. But I forced myself to yank them down and winced instead. "I- no!!! Nonononono!!!" He babbled and started to breathe heavily. 

 

 

"C-Chuck...? Uhm, what- what are you doing?" I was startled. All color had drained from his already paler face. I could feel my own heat up as my heart pounded. He was hugging himself, gasping for air, pressing himself against the wall and looked so scared! I felt panic of my own set in. "I- I'll get help-!"

 

 

"No please just- just get Mike! Don't- don't tell anyone please don't-"

 

  
"I won't! I won't!!!" I gasped out, backing towards the door. "Just, stay there, don't move!" I didn't know what I was going on. Some kind of attack? I didn't understand. It scared me, to see him like that. I opened it, and immediately shut it, running out. 

 

 

 

Mike Chilton, fuck, where'd he be?!? 

 

 

I didn't know where to go. My mind was reeling. Mike Chilton... Mike Chilton... think, Nicole, think! 

 

 

I skidded to a halt. Calm down, calm down. I started to pick at my skin. Think. Where, would, Mike be? He's a Cadet. He has a routine. What's his routine? Can you find it?

 

 

My eyes widened. Of course. He delivered reports. I could send out an alert asking for him. I could lie. I could say there was an error that needed to be addressed. He was a star cadet, he'd come to fix it. 

 

 

I ran to my desk, sliding home and pressed the button. I heard the ding. I opened my mouth...

 

 

 

"Wou- woul..." I froze. Fuck. My voice. What happened to my-?!

 

 

"Woul... Ca-Cadet... M-mm-Mike, Ch-Chilton... p-puh-please co-come... t-to ed-editor-or-ial? Thanks!" I lifted my finger, and I was in shock. My voice, I'd never stammered that bad before. Was I out of breath? Or...? No. Couldn't be. "A-a... buh-be, c-cee..." I sounded out the alphabet, and was horrified. I felt my brain hurt every time I wanted to speak. It wasn't going away. It was just getting worse! 

 

 

I felt my face grow all the more flushed. How was I going to get across to Mike that Chuck needed him?! My mouth ran dry as I heard the familiar stomp of his boots. My head ducked down, and I whimpered. Come on Nicole. Think! 

 

 

"Uh, you needed to discuss-?" Before I could stop myself, I reached out and grabbed Mike's hand! My grip was tight, and I kept my head lowered but he could obviously tell I was distressed. "Is, everything okay-?" Once again I interrupted him by yanking, making myself shamble back towards the closet.

 

 

Chuck needed Mike. Chuck needed Mike. 

 

 

"You've got a grip!" Mike tried to laugh but it came out awkwardly. He seemed nervous now himself. "Where are you taking me, exactly?" I just kept dragging him, and he suddenly tugged. "Come on, Nicole, give me a solid answer here!" I kept my grip firm. Chuck needs Mike. Chuck needs Mike-

 

 

Suddenly my hand was grasping air, and I stopped and whirled around. "Enough! Seriously, what's going on Nicole?" He was frowning. He thought I was crazy.

 

 

It was like something broke inside of me. Tears welled up in my eyes... my lip wobbled... 

 

 

Mike's own widened as he watched me double over and start sobbing uncontrollably! "Whoa, whoa, hey it's okay!" he said, in that calm tone he used with me before. "I- Nicole, what's wrong? Can you tell me?"

 

 

I could only shake my head, and I reached for his hand. He stepped back. I cried harder. Chuck needed Mike. Chuck needed Mike... I still reached, and he was frowning again. "I don't understand what you want from me Nicole." His tone was firm. I got angry and I stomped my foot. People were taking notice. 

 

 

Stop it... stop acting like this. Stop crying. Grow up. Use your words. You're smart. You can do this! 

 

 

I reached one more time, and something finally seemed to click in Mike's mind. "Okay." Was all he said, and I took his wrist, tugging him back along. I marched over to the storage closet, and patted my hand. "The, closet? What's in there?"

 

 

I couldn't answer him even if I tried. I just opened it and pulled him over towards it. "Whoa- hey I think that's far enough-!" He started to pull away again but like a fresh breath of air...

 

 

"M-Mike...?" 

 

 

He froze on instinct, the dim light inside revealing a teary, snotty Chuck, curled in on himself and was shaking badly. "Chuckles! God, it happened again...?" He murmured, concerned and walked in.

 

 

I relaxed. I sniffled, but the tears wouldn't stop. It was like something made me keep crying, kept making me think negatively. This was awful. All I could do was stand in the closet doorway, and watch as Mike hugged his best friend after getting permission. I wanted that. But I couldn't speak.

 

 

I just took a step back, and walked away, still shaking. Still trapped in my own downward spiral.

 

 

Chuck had Mike.

 

 

But who was going to help me? 


	4. Chapter 4

I laid in bed yet again, sleepless. 

 

 

I looked up at the ceiling again, counting the tiles, thinking.

 

 

Chuck was an Abnormality like me. But I wasn't like him. I didn't have 'Generalized Anxiety Disorder'. At least, not the way he had it. I rolled onto my side, looking at the blue plastic bottle. In it, the pills, two shades darker were clumped together. I grabbed the bottle and held it up to the ceiling, and exhaled.

 

 

"They don't work." I told myself softly. "I'm not bipolar. I don't know what I am. I'm, not, anything." That was the only conclusion I could come to as I opened the lid, and let the tiny pills rain down and hit the floor. The sound of them rattling, scattering in a thousand directions and the Sweeper Bots, upon sensing the mess came in and cleaned them up. I sighed, and rolled onto my back again, listening to them whir. 

 

 

Chuck had Mike. But neither of them seemed to understand me, there was no answer. Why did I still search for one though? Why did I feel like I always wore a mask unawaringly, it constantly slipping and cracking no matter how hard I fixed it? It was so easy to do now. But so exhausting. 

 

 

I rolled onto my stomach, staring at the wall. The lights of Detroit Deluxe shone into the clear glass of my apartment suit. I couldn't sleep again. 

 

 

So, I got up. It was one in the morning, but I didn't care. Putting on my standardized suit, I walked out into the dimmed hallway. Maybe a walk would help me sleep. 

 

 

Wandering around the base, I yawned tiredly as I rounded a couple of corners, and then...

 

 

"Nicole?" I froze mid step, whirling around. "Hi. You uh, you're looking better." Chuck said as he grinned shyly. "Can't sleep either?" Words escaped me, and I dumbly nodded, turning to look away. I just couldn't make eye contact with him at that moment. "Uhm, I-I'm sorry, I didn't, know things would go that way! Honest! I didn't know Mike would react the way he would or-!"

 

 

"Don't apologize. I was an idiot." I bit out, crossing my arms. "My parents always warn me about making other people's problems my business. I, shouldn't have told you. I just made you feel worse."

 

 

"H-hey, we all kinda goof up y'know?" He walked until he was beside me, but I ducked my head, looking down at the glossy floor and my feet. "And uh, even if, that freaking scared me I'm, glad you warned me. I'm gonna try and, I don't know... yeah, that's the thing I don't know what to do!" He laughed. 

 

 

"Why is that funny?" I asked, confused.

 

 

"W-what?"

 

 

"You're laughing. That- that isn't funny. It's not, at all it's messed up. And, I don't know why. You can work. You just, Kane, I don't know why things are like this." I jumbled my words, trying to make sense of it myself as I spoke. "I mean we both fit in but we don't."

 

 

"We don't. Yeah. That's- that isn't good." Chuck agreed. "So, I guess you're not bipolar huh?"

 

 

I shook my head. "I have to hide that I am though. Kane thinks I still work." I finally managed to look up and saw Chuck bite his lip. "What's wrong?"

 

 

"... I ah, please, you promise you're not going to, tell the high-ups what I'm doing?"

 

 

I shook my head. "Unless you beat me up, I'm not gonna tell on you." 

 

 

"What, I've been doing, on the computer is research. My own personal stuff." He admitted softly. 

 

 

I quirked an eyebrow. "Research? Okay. Is, that bad? I mean, besides doing it for personal gain which Kane is strongly against-"

 

 

"It's about life before Kane Co. and Detroit Deluxe!" He told me softly. "Can, can I uh- can we go somewhere else to talk more? I, I know security and monitoring is laxer at night but still. I don't want anyone to eavesdrop on us." 

 

 

"Yeah, sure." I agreed with a nod, and keeping my arms crossed I followed Chuck down the hallway. We twisted and turned until we ended up at the same storage closet. He entered first and ushered me in. 

 

 

"... I don't like the dark." I said, peering in at the square inky room. The light from the hallway was the only lightsource filtering in. 

 

 

"Me either. It won't be very dark anyway, I promise. Just, c'mon." 

 

  
I took a cautious step in, and another. The door slid shut automatically with a bang. I jumped, and let out a whine. And suddenly the darkness was lit up by a glowing, green screen. I looked over at Chuck, who motioned for me to come and sit. I did, crossing my legs. "What is this?"

 

 

"It's my own computer. I ah, I built it."

 

 

My eyes widen. "You're gonna get into trouble if Kane finds out."

 

 

 

"I-I know." Chuck mumbled, and began to open some folders. "But, it was worth it. I found, stuff out. Like, what life was like before Detroit Deluxe. There's this guy named Jacob who like, worked with Kane and-!"

 

 

"Wait. Jacob as in the rebel leader of Detroit, Jacob? The one who killed those officers?"

 

 

"No, that was a cover up. Look!" Chuck showed me the reports, and I read over them quickly. It detailed how the two were killed by- wait. That couldn't be right. The report said they died from a fall. Not from being crushed by tires! 

 

 

"How did you find these?" I wasn't even allowed access to something of this sort! 

 

 

"Uh..." Chuck gulped audibly. "I hack. It's a skill I just, kind of always had. That's why Kane chose me. I can hack better than anyone, h-he said." He averted his gaze from the screen. "Even if I'm an Abnormality." 

 

 

I picked at my skin in response. "I can find flaws. Grammatical, spelling, in- in patterns and stuff. If I know what I'm looking for. That's why Kane asked me to come on board." 

 

Chuck nodded. "Yeah. He only keeps us on, like you said because we're useful. O-otherwise-"

 

 

"We'd both be euthanized." I shuddered, dreading the thought. 

 

 

There was a tense, brief silence before Chuck continued. "Th- there's also something though that I can't understand. These files here were altered." He pulled them up, and I realized they were accident, death and status reports. The text was jumbled, words mixed up. It hurt my brain to look at it. "I decoded them, but they ended up like this. You fix any mistakes you find in the reports, r-right?" 

 

 

I nodded. "But, there's only a few here and there."

 

 

"That's, what I was wondering. If I showed you these, I mean gave you, can you piece them back together?" 

 

 

"Yeah. But, why are you showing me all this?" I asked, stating the obvious. "I mean, you don't, exactly know me. I kinda keep to myself. Except for talking to Mike Chilton." 

 

 

"Mike and I grew up together. A-and, it's like you said. You're an Abnormality. Like me. We have to stick together if we're gonna make it."

 

 

"Why are you so curious about knowing the truth?" I asked as well.

 

 

Chuck paused. "T-to be honest, I think there's, something wrong with Deluxe. Mike, he can't see it. No one else can. But, you do. You're afraid like me. We shouldn't have to die if we don't serve a purpose. B-because we're mistakes." 

 

 

"So, being an Abnormality, is okay?" 

 

 

"I uh, I kind of, have an idea. I mean, if people like us were born this way, we have to serve some kind of purpose right? Even with our limitations. We have skills. But if our Abnormalities get in the way, we- I mean, we shouldn't-"

 

 

He didn't finish his sentence but I could understand. And I nodded in agreement. "So, if I fix these reports, you'll find what you're looking for?"

 

 

"Maybe. It's, hard to explain but those reports are hiding something. I just, don't know what. But, maybe it'll prove that something is wrong with Deluxe."

 

 

"Lots of maybes." I commented to Chuck as he pulled the files together. "But, if they check my data-watch, won't they find out?" 

 

 

"I'm gonna hide them. You'll need a password to access them. If you put in the wrong one, the files will automatically erase. What's something you can remember?"

 

 

I paused, and thought. Passwords weren't allowed, unless they were really big, important documents. This terrified me. This was so secretive... but, Chuck had a point. Something, is wrong with Deluxe. I don't want to die. Why should I have to die?

 

 

"And, one more thing." Chuck said, looking up. "Don't let Mike know. He- he's my friend and he's kept how bad I'm doing mostly a secret but, uhm, he's also loyal to Kane." 

 

 

"Got it. And, for a password..." I told him softly, a single word I was familiar with. He typed it in, and we tapped our wrists together. The files uploaded. It was done. 

 

 

We exited the closet in single file, and I looked up at Chuck. "I won't let you down." I promised him softly, smiling. 

 

 

"Thanks Nicole. I mean, really. You're, kind of the only person I trust with this."

 

 

I felt my cheeks heat up and my head bobbed. "Of course. Uhm, meet me in there, in a few days. Actually, no, four days. I'll have the first three files fixed by then." 

 

 

"O-okay. Night."

 

 

"Goodnight."

 

 

We departed soon after and I walked back towards my quarters. Some of the cadets and soldiers who were on guard duty nodded at me, and I nodded back as I walked by. I guess other people took late night walks if they weren't particularly sleepy either. I returned to my quarters, and flopped face first on my bed. Great. I wasn't going to sleep, period tonight it felt like. All that Chuck and I just discussed, the seriousness of it made my stomach roll and my pulse quicken. What was I supposed to do? I mean, I already agreed to it. There was no backing out now.

 

 

 _'Something is wrong with Deluxe.'_ I'd always known that. But, how wrong? This was all I'd ever known. My home. My reality. No one else could see it but Chuck and I. Was that, supposed to mean something? I gulped dryly, and propped myself on my arms, brushing a lock of my long brown hair back. 'Something is wrong with Deluxe.' I echoed in my mind, over and over.

 

 

Something is wrong with Deluxe. Something is wrong with Deluxe. Something, is, wrong, with Deluxe...

 

_____________________________

 

I was half tempted to call in sick the next morning. But a stimulant managed to keep me going. I could lie. Say that my pills were causing my insomnia. I mean they did warn me that would be a side effect, so as long as I didn't get my work back logged I'd be fine.

 

 

Maybe I could take a nap in a few-

 

 

"Ms. Bekket?" I almost jumped out of my skin as a unfamiliar voice echoed behind me. I turned in my seat to see Tooley, one of Kane's assistants staring down at me. "Mr. Kane wants to see you!" 

 

 

Tooley, I'm very sure is an Abnormality like Chuck and I. His intelligence level is... sad, to put it that way. Or he's just gullible. I haven't figured out which. I got up, yawning and closed my computer. "Of course." But my heart was racing. Kane hadn't talked to me since my first day on the job. 

 

 

He lead me to an elevator, two guards also stepping on. I instantly woke fully up with the adrenaline rush in my veins. Uh oh. "Is, something the matter, d-do you know?" 

 

 

"I dunno." Tooley shrugged. 

 

 

Great. Flying blind, my favorite thing in the entirety of Deluxe. 


	5. Chapter 5

Kane's office is impressive.

 

I mean, not only has he the biggest view of Deluxe, but even though it's mostly empty it's very luxurious. And there he sat, like a king on a throne, waiting for me behind that big desk. 

 

"Ms. Bekket! Thank you for coming."

 

"Uhm, no problem Mr. Kane." I spoke up, and I knew I was being stupidly nervous. Stupidly, and obviously. 

 

"Please, have a seat." He motioned to the chair in front of his desk. I sat, folding my hands in my lap. "Can I offer you something to eat, drink?"

 

"Ahh, no it's okay. I was going to have lunch soon anyways." I politely declined. "Is something the matter sir? I mean, as far as I'm aware you only talk to people if they've done exceptionally good or exceptionally bad." 

 

Kane laughed. I let out a nervous giggle with him. "Do I frighten you, Ms. Bekket?"

 

"A little. I mean you are taller than me. You could possibly throw me halfway across the room!" I tried to joke and diffuse my nervousness. 

 

"Oh, please don't be too much. It wouldn't be fair if my employees weren't brave enough to talk to me."

 

"Of course, sir." I nodded. 

 

"Now then. The reason why I wanted to see you, Ms. Bekket is because I've been noticing you've been leaving your workstation a couple of times. Is everything all right?"

 

"Oh, yes sir. I just take breaks sometimes." I explained. "It helps me focus if I step away and just take a brief walk or talk to someone. I don't take more than, uh, maybe ten minutes or fifteen if I'm pushing it? I'm still getting my work done, I promise!"

 

"Yes, you are. That's what I'm impressed with. Your work ethic despite, distractions is quite remarkable. I wish I had more employees like you! Between Chilton and-" he paused. "Hm. Now I can't remember his name again. Do you know a blonde that works in IT? He ah, is a little shy."

  
"Chuck?" I piped up and he shook his head. 

 

"No, but it did start with a 'C'."

 

"That's Chuck. But uh, his actual name is Charles. Sorry I got used to using his nickname."

  
"Ah, so you have talked to him!"

 

"Well I mean, once or twice. He is very nice, but he is shy like you said too!" I chattered. Careful Nicole. I grew up with mind games being played on me. A lot weren't obvious, and I'd be thrown for a loop. I'd learnt to be exceptionally careful if someone was acting a little, too friendly.  

 

"So you two have talked."

 

"Yes sir. He's friends with Mike Chilton, and I see him often enough that I know somewhat who he's friends with."

  
"I see." He stood up. "Nicole, do you know why you were selected for your position?" He walked by me and then behind. I stayed seated forward.

 

"Yes sir. I can find errors with some ease. It helped in my Language and Reading Comprehension classes." I responded, though was gradually becoming increasingly nervous. Why the fifth degree all of a sudden? 

 

"That's very true. Your gift to see flaws in even the most impeccable of structures is quite remarkable." He walked towards the window. "I spent years building Deluxe, Ms. Bekket. Years dedicated to not only it's upkeep, but it's protection. You can see where things are lacking and need to be fixed. Even though you are an Abnormality." His statement stung. But I kept my smile stretched across my face. "So tell me. Where does Deluxe fail?"

 

"E-excuse me?" I couldn't stop myself from sputtering. 

 

He turned his head with a small grin. " Your gift is why I selected you. While you do astronomically well as my Chief of Editorial, I didn't mention the, other duties you'll be assigned to. By now you must have noticed something, or rather, someone flawed enough to make Deluxe a little less pleasant."

 

I gulped. "S-sir, I was not informed of this when I signed my employment contract. I haven't been 'looking', per-say, so I don't know what you need from me." His brow furrowed and I panicked. "I- I have to know what I'm looking for, specifically too but it doesn't mean I can't start now, right? It's not too late! It- it can't be too late!" In three strides he was beside my chair and he spun it, so I was face-to-face with him! I squeaked and teared up. "Please d- don't-! I can fix this!"  

 

Kane stared hard at me for a long moment. Thankfully I taught myself how to keep some semblance of eye contact, so I gazed up at his receding hairline. Then he smiled. "Yes you are quite right. You can help me fix Deluxe. You're an Abnormality Ms. Bekket, but you serve your purpose." He pulled away. I exhaled slowly, and felt sick to my stomach. Too close. Too damn close! "My apologies, I should have made the other requirements of your job far more clear. However because of it's sensitive nature, I felt as though I would allow you to settle in before bringing it up. But now that you know, you can resume these duties, correct?"

 

"Y-yessir! Is there, anything specifically you want me to look for?"

 

"Security flaws could be a start. Where we lack in monitoring, what could potentially slip by. Just start with this building and report back to me by the end of next week."

 

"Yes sir. Is- is that all you needed from me, sir?" 

 

"Oh, no. I think that's everything."

 

He sat back down at his desk. "You are dismissed." I stood, slowly, and walked towards the door. Each step I took, felt heavy. And then, "Oh, and Ms. Bekket?" I paused. "You do know what will happen if you fail, don't you?" It was a statement worded as a question. Still, I forced myself to nod. "Good."

 

After he said that, I stepped through the door. Then, practically tripping over myself I ran to the elevator as soon as the door behind me closed, hitting the button to my floor. As the doors closed, I leaned against the side of the wall and gripped my head. It hurt, like a giant headache and I knew it was from stress. "Calm down, c'mon, calm down." I murmured, getting off on my floor. I had work to do, I couldn't take another break. But I wanted to, so bad. I stopped, in the middle of the hallway and blinked away tears. Why would Kane do that?! There was never any sort of 'additional work' in my contract! And that's when I knew I was just being used. My memory could be hazy at times but, I know I didn't see anything about looking for "flaws" in Deluxe!

 

"It's not fair!" I growled to myself, and bee-lined to my quarters. My chest was heaving, and in anger I grabbed my pill bottle. "It's not! Fair!" I threw the bottle at the wall, and then began to stomp on the metal floor in anger. And just within moments, I devolved into a violent, sobbing mess of emotions and pain. I was angry at Kane, furious that he would pull something like that on me! I already struggled enough, why me?! WHY. ME?!

 

When everything finally came into focus, I was sprawled across my bed and curled up in exhaustion. I slowly sat up, and checked the time. It had been an hour and I reluctantly flopped back down. Yeah. Maybe some rest would do me good. I had to do my job after all. I had no choice in the matter. As I pushed myself to slide off of the bed, I then recalled I had another task at hand. The files, the ones Chuck trusted me with. They were still secured, ready to go. Slowly, I reached for my handheld (miraculously untouched) and opened it, accessing the files. I entered the password and began to go over them, carefully. The words were a jumble of words, redacted, coded. I slowly expanded upon the first sentence and began my work, focusing what fuel I had left to at least get a paragraph done. 

 

Something was wrong with Deluxe, and I shouldn't have to be treated this way even if, I wasn't like everyone else. There had to be truth to the matter. There had to be  _something_ in these files that gave me an answer! 

 

Everything became absorbed into solving the riddle. I tried to look at the first word each way I could, then slowly picked it apart. Each letter was scrambled, but each time I tried to make something sensible, it didn't work. My time index beeped on occasion but I ignored it, exhaling sharply as I peered at the first word again. What was wrong here? Obviously of course the letters were jumbled, but it wasn't like it was- then I got an idea. I proceeded to stand up, and back towards my window, the screen following me. In the darkness outside, it reflected. And I saw it. The letters were backwards! My eyes lit up.

 

"Bingo." I uttered and began to steadily decrypt the rest. No one would think to point such sensitive material at something where everyone could see what you were doing! Kane was smart. I was going to be smarter. 

 

After a paragraph I stopped, and locked the files again before shutting off my screen. My room was plunged into dimness and I steadily realized four hours had passed since coming out of my, well, I didn't know what to even call it. A temper-tantrum? At my age? I staggered upright, drained and hungry as I finally stepped out of my quarters. Shielding my eyes from the painfully bright lights, I went towards the cafeteria, still open by some chance. Flashing my badge, I was given my portions and sat down at a far table, still trying to process what I'd read. 

 

Three months ago, before I joined Kane Co. there was an explosion that shook Deluxe. A lot of us freaked out, we didn't know what was going on. Kane said that there had been an attempted bombing on Detroit Deluxe, and some of the devices went off! We had no inclination to believe otherwise. Kane never lied. Motorcity wanted us all dead. No... lies. That was all a lie. Motorcity, a district had been used in something called _'Project Damascus'_ , which resulted in the desolation of twelve city blocks. It, was a nightmare. The report detailed bodies found among the rubble and suddenly my rations didn't look so appetizing. I didn't eat. I just sat there in my lonely corner and contemplated everything I'd ever known. Chuck- no, Chuck and I were right. Something was horribly wrong with Deluxe and suddenly it didn't look like just a cover-up or two. More like filth buried right beneath everyone's noses. I looked up, out at Deluxe, at the glass surrounding us. I saw the Deluxian Militia doing their nightly rounds, the automated centuries floating about. I didn't feel safe now. I was terrified. 

 

Kane was right, I could see flaws. But only when I knew what I was looking for. 

 

______

 

The more I uncovered the worse things got. Three reports, all detailing causalities down below in Deluxe. All for what? Military testing? Everything redacted, explained away had all been something dire. But as I worked on reports given to me, my mind constantly wandered and questioned. So, okay. Deluxe wasn't safe. What was Motorcity then? Better than this? According to everything I learnt growing up the below was teeming with adversaries to Kane's kingdom. Low lives and criminals all resided down there, and if you went there you were labelled a criminal. I didn't know anyone personally who had left, but I did hear stories. Once or twice, whispered during my Education days. A kid's parent here or there would leave, descend below and never be heard from again. It was a great shame when that happened, we were told to rat out anyone who even thought of distension. They could then be "helped", "saved", "re-educated" on why "it was important to stay". 

 

Every time I hear those words in my head now, I feel sick. But at the same time I continued to question if there was something better to all of this. If, there was anything resembling what I wanted. I just wanted to live, without being afraid to die all because I wasn't useful to Kane. Hence why he'd put this workload on me. I just, didn't know if there was more to this than weapons testing or not. My itching curiosity and desire to know if there was something out there for me, lead me back to Chuck.

 

"Here." In the closet, late on a Saturday night I showed him the fixed files. "You're not gonna believe this." 

 

He scanned them over, and his perriwinkle eyes widened so much, I thought they'd pop out. "Th- this is worse than I thought! That's- holy fuck!"

 

"Exactly." I gulped. "I... I don't know. What are we supposed to do? They have this kinda tech?"

 

"I only saw mentions of it before. I didn't even h-have a high enough level of clearance!" Chuck babbled, still partially reading but obviously it stressed him out too. He closed them. "N-Nicole. Do you, know what this means?"

 

"Everything's a lie. Yeah. I kinda figured." I retorted sarcastically. "Uh, sorry. I just, this is so much to take in and I'm freaked out. I can't even walk by the guards anymore without feeling panic-y! It's like, I dunno. We know what we're not supposed to know. Kane's covering up a lot of bad stuff and I don't know what else he's hiding."

 

"Yeah. I know, right?" Chuck agreed with me and he stood up. "But, I think he's lying about Motorcity too. Can you get the rest of those decoded?"

 

"Of course. Kane is basically making me do extra work now, so I call this payback." I stated firmly and Chuck looked at me.

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"He hired me for my 'talent' of finding flaws. He thinks I'm gonna be able to see every flaw in Deluxe and tell him how to fix it! Like it wasn't in my contract or anything!" I vented angrily. "I came on board for editing, not wandering around Detroit trying to find something to correct!" 

 

"... oh."

 

"Oh?" 

 

"I kinda find it ironic." Chuck noted softly. "It's like, you kinda know Kane's lying, and everything's not adding up so, you have to find the flaws and tell him what they are."

 

"That's damn accurate." I sighed and crossed my arms. "... Hey Chuck?"

 

"Yeah?"

 

"Do you, think there's anything else for us? Beyond Detroit? Like, we've grown up here and this is all I've known, but all I've known is pretty much a lie. So, why keep searching?"

 

"Honestly, I'm hoping in the files, it'll tell us that. There's something for Abnormalities- us, that we can go. We don't have to stay here and- and end up, you know." Chuck danced around the topic and I blurted out,

  
"We don't have to stay and be euthanized."

 

"... Yeah. That." He looked pale and I winced.

 

"Sorry I forgot again. I- look, Chuck, if there's some kind of answer or something on what we can do to stay alive, it's gotta be in these files. I'll keep working and looking. Just, hang in there okay?"

 

"You too. I don't want you to, end up like everyone else who's gone against Kane. They're never heard from again." Chuck murmured. "You're the only one I can talk to about this stuff and, I dunno. Just please don't get caught."

 

"Back at you, Chuck. Please be careful." I said as we began to step out of the closet together. "After all, the last thing we need is someone to find out about-"

 

"Chuck?! Nicole?!?" 

 

I froze and my head swiveled, seeing Mike Chilton standing there holding a container of rations.

 

Oh. Fuck. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm somehow alive? Lol university is kicking my ass. 
> 
> Hopefully more updates will be in the future :) I still know where I'm going with this. Comment if you like!


	6. Chapter 6

To say this wasn't alarming would be an understatement. Of the millennium I might add. 

 

There stood Mike, having caught us exiting the closet together. Needless to say, we were both in a state of panic and froze up. We both glanced at each other, Chuck and I. Deep down, I was considering if just bolting for it was the smartest move to make at this point. But before I could act on my impulse, Chuck spoke:

 

"Uhhh hey bro! What's- uh, what's up?" 

 

"What were you two doing in there?" Mike then proceeded to ask the obvious question.

 

"Nothing!" We both blurted out simultaneously, and my cheeks flushed from my booming heartbeat. 

 

"I- uh, it's, certainly n-none of your business!" I then practically squeaked out, then winced. Oh that was smart to say to a freaking cadet! 

 

"What she means, Mike is that uh, we were- I mean, we were just-" Chuck seemed to be coming up short with answers himself. And I ended up having to come up with something of a lie, and quick.

 

"We're together!" 

 

"What?!" Both blurted out, their eyes on me now. 

 

"I mean, we- are, hanging, out together. We can't, find time in our schedules a-and so we just, meet up somewhere, convenient! Without it looking suspicious!" Okay, that was on a minimal scale true. 

 

"... You two do realize that hiding in a closet to, "hang out" looks really suspicious right?" Mike then stated. 

 

I wanted to slap myself. Oh this wasn't working out at all! "Mike, listen, we're not doing anything wrong right?" Chuck then spoke. "Meeting after hours?" 

 

"Well, no, but-"

 

"We're gonna go then! I'll see you tomorrow Nicole." He started to walk away from me but Mike barked,

 

"Now hold on a second!" That froze him mid-step and I stayed perfectly still, right where I was. "Look, you two. I know I'm supposed to report this, but unless there's new some legislation saying that you two can't- you know, date, then there's nothing wrong!" 

 

"Date?!" We both yelped and looked at each other. Okay, Mike definitely had the wrong idea about things. 

 

"Mike, we-"

 

"I get it okay?" Mike seemed to relax and grin a little. "I think you two make a great couple. But, seriously if you two are caught by someone else, you won't be let off so easy." 

 

I went bright red, and I'm pretty sure from the sputtering Chuck was doing, he was embarrassed too. "Anyway. I have to continue patrol. I'll see you later Chuck!" And with that, Mike walked by me and disappeared around the corner. I let out a very shaky exhale and looked at Chuck.

 

"That, was way too close."

 

"Y-yeah uh, you can say that again!" Chuck looked ready to pass out. Well, maybe. Or he was just super nervous. "I-I'm sorry for almost running off on you. I just- panicked and-"

 

"Its okay Chuck. I was ready to run too. I, I'll keep working on the stuff you gave me. But, maybe we should be way more careful." We're playing with fire. That was too close to the flames. 

 

"I'll let you know where our new meeting place is found. Just, be careful okay? Like, seriously this time. Heh."

 

"You too."

 

I giggled myself, the whole situation feeling surreal. Mike thought that Chuck and I were together! Wow. He was almost as dense as Tooley! Okay that was a little mean, but still. I guess I can't blame Mike, it did look like we hooked up in the closet. I returned to my quarters, but instead of going straight to bed, I got up and sat up against the window, beginning to work on the next article. Little rest for the seekers. 

 

***

 

So here I stood, feeling horrifically exhausted and watching the Cadets stand in formation. My tired eyes scanned the vicinity and I cringed at the heaviness in my eyes. A dual bought of insomnia and working on the articles too late into the night had ruined my sleep. Kane wanted my examination of the troops to provide insight on where we lacked. And when I say "we" I mean the Security Force of Detroit Deluxe. Seeing the helmeted soldiers, a perfectly symmetrical and similar mass of look-alike narrowed my field down. 

 

"So repeat what I'm supposed to do a-" I yawned. "Again Cadet Howlitzer?" 

 

"Please, call me Jenzen." The blonde smiled at me. One of those stupid jocks playing nice with me so I wouldn't go cry to Kane of course. "Just please watch the drills and point out anyone who seems to be off." 

 

"That's pretty damn broad." I bluntly stated and Jenzen shrugged. 

 

"That's Kane's order." He replied with but looked a little annoyed at my snap. 

 

"And no Commander is standing with me because-?" 

 

"I volunteered Ms. Bekket. Next time you're down here another Cadet will be making notes. Can we begin?" 

 

"Sure." I moved my hand in circles. I felt ready to go off into an angry tirade at any moment, but bottled it up. My job- my fucking _additional_ job required me to be focused. Look for flaws. Oh after what _I've_ read, I could name quite a few-! 

 

And the mass moved. Drill after fucking drill. Come on, hurry up, find a damn flaw! Concentrate! I squinted, forcing my anger to channel to something remotely useful. It barely worked though and I found myself getting more irritable and frustrated as time went on. I wanted to go to bed. I wanted to sleep. But oh no. No can do! I'm stuck here until lunch and then I'm expected to review more fucking files until who knows when! 

 

I blinked. I saw someone move awkwardly. I focused all my attention on them, and my spinning hands clenched the skirt of my uniform. I felt myself lean forward, but my attention was now dead-set on the soldier. After another drill, I pointed. "That one. Number A261. Constantly falls behind. Can I go now?!" 

 

"Are you sure it's just him?" Jenzen asked and I turned my sights on him.

 

"Yes! I'm sure unless you'd like to do my job Cadet!" The words flew out of my mouth before I could register what I was saying.

 

Anger is a potent, dangerous thing. It's gotten me caught before. So as Jenzen glared at me, an equal mixture of it and dread ran cold through my veins. Danger. Cracks in my persona. He could see. Back off. Back! Off! 

 

"If you didn't serve a purpose for Kane, Abnormality," Jenzen sneered, "you'd be dragged away right now for that." 

 

A threat. Never had one so damning said to me... not in that context. Not that straight. It angered me, firing me up, and I foolishly let loose. "Oh. Oh look who thinks he's the next Kane! Sooo intimidating! Sooooo worrisome! Not like I don't live a- a day under threat of b-being exterminated!" All eyes were on us now. I didn't care. "I'll tell you something right now C-Cadet. You were made perfect, perfect for this. For being a soldier and I wasn't. I didn't come out right and-!" Tears welled in my eyes. "I'm d-damned from the moment I t-took my first breath. Suh- So congrats yuh-you're the first to tell me straight t-t-to my face. B-b-but- but I'm-b- 'm- not-" Words were lacking, it hurt to talk. "I'm done." I turned and ran out of there, dread now replacing fear. 

 

I made it upstairs but that was as far as I got before I broke down. Sobbing in the middle of the hallway, I leaned against a wall and gripped my head. I lost it, and now I was going to pay! Everything ached and I felt exhausted again. I just wanted to cry and to sleep. I made myself walk, to the closet and unlocked it. Small, dark, quiet, isolated. Perfect. I curled up inside and let the world melt away. If this was going to be my last day, if Kane found out about my outburst -so many eyes- then I didn't have much longer. I might as well hope that they forget I'm in here. Kane, everything is so wrong. Why do I have to be expendable? Why couldn't I have come out like Mr. Perfect Jenzen back there? 

 

I didn't notice that I had passed out until the door sliding open woke me up. I blinked, sat up slowly and blearily looked through my eye-ware. Chuck stood in the doorway with rations, stepping in and closed it. "Here." He placed down some cubes. "Mike told me what uh, what happened. You weren't in your room so I thought you'd be in here." 

 

"... why."

 

"Huh?" 

 

"Why do we have to be like this Chuck?" I whimpered. "Why can't we be like them? Why didn't we come out right?"

 

"I ah-" 

 

"I don't get it. It's not fair. Kane says we have to die but he's wrong and Deluxe is wrong. We can see it but then what? If the articles give us, the- the answer... what if we're wrong? We don't serve a purpose and should be put down in the first place?" 

 

"Whoa! Uh, Nicole that's a little bit-!"

 

"Obscene? Yeah. But it's all I can think about. I'm more broken than you Chuck. You have one thing wrong. I have a thousand things and no name." I stared at my hands. "I keep thinking that no matter the outcome there's no place for us- for me, here. And, any day now I'll run out of use. And then it's over." 

 

Chuck exhaled and sat down across from me, silent. "… maybe, the answer we're looking for isn't just the articles. It, isn't in the files. Maybe, it's down below."

 

"Uhhh…?" I gave him a weird look. "Define that?"

 

Chuck looked away. "People left Deluxe for the Below, for Motorcity. We already saw signs that Kane covered things up. He keeps attacking Motorcity and using it to test stuff we shouldn't even have! Maybe, then, if we're gonna survive we, at least I- need to go." 

 

I sat right up and stared at him. "Have you lost your freaking mind?!?" I squeaked. "Motorcity is full of criminals! Everyone hates us, Deluxians! The moment you try to leave and get caught you're such a level of screwed that it'll make our current situation a cakewalk!" 

 

"But what choice d-do we Abnormalities have? Is it, any better than what could happen?" Chuck's voice was soft and he wasn't looking at me. "You- you said it yourself, Deluxe is wrong and- and I don't wanna die. I'm afraid of dying."

 

"Are you really serious about, leaving?"

 

"You s-saw my report Nicole. My d-days are numbered and, Mike, he gets so lost in Kane's reality that sometimes when I look at him-!" His breath hitched. "… I just don't see my friend a whole lot anymore. I've got little to lose so, I'm really thinking about doing it. Those articles are my justifications for leaving," he stood up, "and as soon as I know the full truth, I'll go. And I- well... I mean, if you change your mind I guess, maybe we could go together. You're maybe the second closest friend I'll ever have. And, the only person who gets what we're going through." He left right after that. 

 

I laid there for a long time, staring at the cubes and chewing on the words Chuck said. Some part of me agreed, and pined to go with him. Escape to Motorcity, it's gotta be better than this! But fear is another powerful, potent thing. Especially regarding the unknown. And it made me decide to stay for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I for some reason love writing existential crisises.


End file.
